


The Pizza Incident

by LadyNighteyes



Category: Radiant Historia
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Profound silliness, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 20:30:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6922252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNighteyes/pseuds/LadyNighteyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That time Stocke had to order pizza.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pizza Incident

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this on Tumblr a while back in response to yet another joke about how Stocke can't decide what to have for breakfast without causing an apocalyptic death spiral if he gets pancakes instead of waffles.
> 
> I decided I should probably cross-post it here.
> 
> I have no excuse.

Protea is deposed, Eruca is planning a coronation in the next few days, and Garland seems to be feeling pretty smug about having backed the winning horse in this race. Lippti and Teo have directed Stocke back here, in search of “disturbances” caused by the two timelines collapsing together to untangle. Since the event has been influenced by both timelines, everyone’s there- the army of Celestia and the Alistellian rebels as well as Cygnus and Forgia. Everybody’s having a strategy meeting into the night when they realize they never ate dinner, and most of the castle cooking staff, sensibly, left or hid when the battle got going, so the kitchen’s understaffed and not very prepared. Somebody suggests sending out for food. Pierre chimes in that there’s a take-away pizza place two blocks away and they could have some people go and pick up food there.

Stocke knows this is gonna be bad when Eruca looks straight at him and asks what _he_ thinks they should get.

**Iteration 1**

Stocke asks Rosch what _he_ wants. He’s tired, and this node is ludicrous, and maybe if he delegates the decision to someone else he can avoid whatever fallout is possible if he makes a wrong choice himself.

Rosch votes for a pizza with every kind of meat the restaurant has. Garland laughs and Eruca nods seriously. Granorg has developed slightly different culinary traditions re: pizza from Alistel in the last seventy years, and Rosch loves it- he eats most of a pizza by himself.

Later that evening Rosch keels over dead from anaphylactic shock.

Teo has the decency to look sheepish while explaining that on the campaign, Rosch was bitten by a kind of bug that can make you develop a red meat allergy, but if he hadn’t eaten quite that much, it wouldn’t have been fatal.

Stocke climbs up the stairs to go back without complaining. Out loud, at least.

**Iteration 2**

Deciding to play it safe, Stocke suggests they get veggie pizza. It gets him a few weird looks, but no one argues. He can’t believe he’s seriously having to worry about this.

When it arrives, it proves to be green pepper and mushroom. Elm throws a fit as soon as she sees it and storms out, and it’s only by asking several of the other Satyros later that he’s able to piece together that apparently eating mushrooms is against her religion. Garland takes one bite of green pepper, spits it out in disgust, says that this is clearly an attempt to poison him, and also storms out.

Lippti and Teo, mercifully, don’t say anything.

**Iteration 3**

Pepperoni is classic, and that alone shouldn’t be enough to set Rosch off that badly again, right? And the sooner he learns about it, the less likely Stocke will have to intervene to stop him from eating steak later.

He wakes up the next morning to learn that apparently Eruca has- or rather, had- a shellfish allergy. And some of the pepperoni the restaurant had was tainted with it somehow.

This is the single stupidest reason he’s ever ended up in a doomed timeline.

**Iteration 4**

He suggests they get the pizza from somewhere else instead. _Everyone_ gives him weird looks, but he insists.

Apparently both pizza places buy their pepperoni from the same person.

Why is this his life now.

**Iteration 5**

Cheese. There’s no way to screw that up, right?

Aht intercepts the pizzas in the kitchen, and rather than stealing a slice as she had in previous timelines, decides they’re boring, and goes on a quest to find something to put on them. She finds some promising-looking jars in the back of the pantry.

Everybody dies of botulism, except Stocke, who didn’t eat any because he is starting to hope he never sees a pizza again in his life.

(”We apologize for this,” Lippti says. “There was a dangerous nexus of temporal energies which needed an outlet within the timeline, and we thought it safer to contain it here.” He can’t fault the logic of it, but…)

**Iteration 6**

Stocke asks Aht what she’d like, to preempt further attempts at “improvement.”

“You can get _pineapple_ on pizza here?” says Rosch incredulously.

Stocke opens the door when the delivery is set to arrive to find a dead-eyed soldier, pulsing with purple-black energy. He slams the door in the Shadow’s face and walks straight back to the pillar of light in the corner.

He’s had enough of his uncle’s meddling for a lifetime without having to deal with Heiss being a purist about pizza toppings, too.

**Iteration 7**

“Let’s have something else.”

“Are you all right, Stocke? You look…”

“I’m fine. But… please, just… get something else. _Anything_ else.”

He stands up and leaves the room as confused voices call after him.

There are several other food vendors in the area, it turns out. Raynie orders their end of the table an entire pot of some sort of curried meat and vegetables which is entirely too spicy to be reasonable.

He has never been so grateful to her in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> [The meat allergy tick thing is real, by the way.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amblyomma_americanum)


End file.
